Come on Earthquakes!

I received this email from an old high school friend of mine. She is a very smart girl but has become a commie because of a combination of her involvement with Amnesty International, going to college at American University, going to the Peace Corps for a couple years, and now is living in California. I'd say she's surrounded by democrats 24/7. Sooooo.....I get this email from her and a few of my responses will be included:

Subject: Dear Red States:

We're ticked off at the way you've treated California, and we'vedecided we're leaving.We intend to form our own country, and we're taking the other Blue States with us. (good go, You're slowly breaking away anyways along your fault line anyways, you'll float on over and smack into Japan. So get your English/Japanese translators out because whether you crack off via Mother Nature or leave on your own accords, you will become part of Japan b/c you have no military of your own!)

In case you aren't aware, that includes Hawaii, Oregon, Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin,Michigan, Illinois and all the Northeast. We believe this split willbe beneficial to the nation, and especially to the people of the new country of New California. (crap, guess I'm moving out of the midwest b/c I'd rather kill puppies than go to the "dark side.")

To sum up briefly: You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave states. We get stem cell research and the best beaches. We get Elliot Spitzer. You get Ken Lay. (I happen to fancy the beaches of Georgia and Florida)

We get the Statue of Liberty. You get Opryland. We get Intel and Microsoft. You get WorldCom. We get Harvard. You get Ole' Miss. Yee haw! (we get all the hottie country music stars and Southern Gentlemen and you get hardcore gang-bangers who will be incredibly pissed off b/c you took all the guns away. The Bloods and Crips will revolt and your states will burn like a nasty outbreak of herpes.)

We get 85 percent of America's venture capital and entrepreneurs. You get Alabama. We get two-thirds of the tax revenue, you get to make the red states pay their fair share. Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower than the Christian Coalition's,we get a bunch of happy families. You get a bunch of single moms. (Is this stat right?)

Please be aware that Nuevo California will be pro-choice and anti-war, and we're going to want all our citizens back from Iraq at once. If you need people to fight, ask your evangelicals. They have kids they're apparently willing to send to their deaths for no purpose, and they don't care if you don't show pictures of their children's caskets coming home. We do wish you success in Iraq, and hope that the WMDs turn up, but we're not willing to spend our resources in Bush's Quagmire. (yaaaawwwn, I am so sick of this same tired crap. Face it, you lost the House, Senate and the Presidency for a reason.....take off your skirts and quit whining like my 13 year-old students)

With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of 80 percentof the country's fresh water,more than 90 percent of the pineapple and lettuce, 92 percent of the nation's fresh fruit, 95 percent of America's quality wines (you can serve French wines at state dinners) 90 percent of all cheese,90 percent of the high tech industry, most of the U.S. low-sulfurcoal, all living redwoods, sequoias and condors, all the Ivy and Seven Sister schools, plus Harvard, Yale,Stanford, Cal Tech and MIT. (its okay, most of us red states are beer drinkers so keep your commie-tainted wine. We have plenty of lakes to drink from, cattle to grill, and we're going to drill the shit out of Alaska so have fun driving your hybrids.)

With the Red States, on the other hand, you will have to cope with 88 percent of all obese Americans(and their projected health care costs), 92 percent of all U.S. mosquitoes, nearly 100 percent of thetornadoes, 90 percent of the hurricanes, 99 percent of all Southern Baptists, virtually 100 percent of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh, Bob Jones University, Clemson and theUniversity of Georgia.We get Hollywood and Yosemite, thank you. (I'd rather fat than be a drugged-out skinny crack whore. Our states will have morals and values and won't be one big, heroin hippy orgy)

Additionally, 38 percent of those in the Red states believe Jonah was actually swallowed by a whale,62 percent believe life is sacred until it comes to the death penalty or gun laws, 44 percent say that evolution is only a theory, 53 percent that Saddam was involved in 9/11, and 61 percent of you crazy bastards believe you are people with higher morals then we lefties. By the way, we're taking the good pot, too. You can have that dirt weed they grow in Mexico. (We do have higher morals, its as simple as that. Go to your local jail and see who most of the inmates would vote for....bet they'd vote Demcrat! Ask Saddam who he would vote for....and whatever his answer is you should vote the opposite. I'm sure he was smitten with the thought of Kerry beating President Bush. Keep on puffing the magic dragon, its done so much for you liberals lately. Maybe thats why liberals believe what they are saying actually makes sense, they've smoked all their sensible brain cells to death.)

Sincerely,
Author Unknown in New California. (grow a set and put your name down, what a sally)